


What Pumpkins?

by Ealasaid



Series: A City In Shadows [5]
Category: Homestuck, Problem Sleuth (Webcomic)
Genre: AU, Crack, Gen, Humor, Mobsterswitch, gambit schema
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-16
Updated: 2011-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-26 03:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ealasaid/pseuds/Ealasaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pose as a team, ‘cause shit just got ridiculous!</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Pumpkins?

It was another fucking kidnapping case. It was sort of ridiculous how many of these had cropped up in the past month— this was what, the eighth? All victims were young women, usually of good repute, and there was always some idiotic boss fight showdown when they finally track the girl down. This time, they found her in a dingy shack on the waterfront of the lake.

Demoman blew open the front door and Detective, Brawler, and Scout charged in through the smoke… and ran straight into the Clown King from the Land of Four Kingdoms.

“What the  _fuck_ —” snarled Scout in horror. He never did like clowns.

Detective shot the honking king point blank, who promptly popped like a balloon.

“That was a letdown,” Brawler rumbled. 

They started to scope out the place. There wasn’t much in the shack, just a couch and a table with a phonograph in a shadowy corner and some other odds and ends. The three were about to check out the door in the eastern wall when:

“Shh!” Scout hissed, looking panicked.

Everyone froze. Soon they all heard it— eerie honking that was steadily getting louder. Sinister music started playing in the background, but cut off abruptly as Scout smashed the phonograph to pieces with his horse hitcher.

The honking kept getting louder, though, and the ground began to rumble, then shake. They hadn’t even located the kidnapping victim yet and this looked like it could get pretty dicey in a moment—

Then the ground caved in and the roof blew out and the Clown King was three stories tall all of a sudden honking like a foghorn and  _holy crap, where did he get that pie—_

“Shit,” the Detective said clearly. Scout whimpered. Brawler gnashed his teeth. “Everyone have pumpkins? I think we’ll use those  _now_ —” and after a moment of furious pumpkin carving, the Meddlesome Company pulled a joint gambit schema and all hell broke loose.

EL SNOOPACABRA, formerly SNOOPING SCOUT, promptly howled and ravaged the giant king clown’s feet, effectively stalling his advance through the goat-sucker’s fleet-footedness and general viciousness.

WINNIE THE BOOM, formerly CHEERFUL DEMOMAN, began to sling around explosive licorice honey that both stuck the clown in place and caused heavy damage.

HEAVILY ROMANTIC HERO, formerly HEAVY BRAWLER, posed dashingly against the sudden sunset and heroically harangued against the evils of snatching delicate flowers of maidenhood from the sanctity of their homes, causing massive MORAL QUESTIONING OF CHARACTER to occur.

Lastly, CRUEL CAPTAIN AHAB, formerly DEAD-EYED DETECTIVE, stood resolute and vengeful upon the deck of an old whaling schooner now run aground a floor above the HERO and SNOOPACABRA with a deadly harpoon poised to throw.

(Somewhere, someone copies all the pictures onto one image and makes colors randomly flash in the background. Pose as a team, ‘cause shit just got ridiculous!)

The combined physical damage inflicted on the clown through the attacks of Snoopacabra and Winnie the Boom lowered the clown’s health immensely. Hero’s purple prose blew up the clown’s moral defenses and great tears dribble down the giant’s face in genuine pie-filled sorrow. It was time.

“ _THAR’ SHE BLOWS_ ,” bellowed Ahab and hefted the harpoon in a mighty throw. It arcs up and up and up and hits the clown right between the eyes.

**********************************

One last vast HOOOOOOOOOOONK wells up from the fallen king as he slowly topples over. The giant has been slain.

Brawler romantically rescues the poor damsel in distress before his pumpkin has completely rotted. The rest of the company dust themselves off and go talk to the policemen who have just arrived to figure out what the disturbance is.

“What the  _fuck?_ ” Peccant Scofflaw says through his binoculars from the top of the warehouse across the street.

“Most intriguing,” Pernicious Innovator says absentmindedly, glued to his pair. “I wonder if we can do that…”


End file.
